The day I decided not to die

How long does your thoughts stay in your head? For me, the only thoughts that are stuck in my head are the ones that are with me from the day that I first started to lie. I have never lied to hurt someone, I have only tried to make up stories so their lives or actions could sound much more interesting than they really are. And I’m not talking about ‘rare window’ kind of stories. I’m much more obsessed with ‘all the families are unhappy in their own way’. That is because I don’t care much for happiness, I think that happy people are not the ones who we should think about. They are boring. A happy life is freedom of choice. The choice that you make when you decide that your life is not going to be measured by the things that you can’t do anything about. Like you would not be bothered with little things – why the grass is green, for example. You just sit there In your Little House on the Prairie and enjoy the greenest of the grass. That’s great don’t get me wrong I don’t hate happiness I just found it very boring.
But the darkness in people that is brought to them by so many reasons that we can’t even try to understand and the sadness, the tears… they hide so much more. That they demand from us to look underneath the surface, to dig harder and to do anything that is in our power to notice them. Because no matter what you think we are restless in our need to find out why the sky is blue why the grass is green and basically why we feel the things we feel. Are we so caught up in our need to become the part of the Prozac nation and to bury our thoughts in the problems of other’s lives? We’ve traveled a long way to become incapable of rational thinking, travel was led by vodka, painkillers, pot, all kinds of drugs, mood stabilizers and our truly f***** up minds. We are not addicts. Not all of us. Not even a big part of us. But you don’t see that, do you? You don’t want to see that because it is so scary isn’t it? Yeah, depression or sadness makes you want to run away, which then makes you feel guilty for the happiness in your life and scared for the one you truly love. Your help is not needed never the less, because in today’s world there is a big chance that one day you would come for help from us. Seeking, needing, desperately waiving in front of our eyes. And you know why? I’ll tell you why. It is because we are not going to tell you the things that you’ve told us. We could never do that to you. We could never be so fuckin’ stupid to tell you that you are guilty because the way you feel, that you are guilty because you smell everything and the smell is so so f****** hard and you are not guilty of that. We are not going to tell you how the touch of another human being can mean so much and yet left you so empty That emptiness can hurt badly more than anything that you have ever felt. Human touch is something so important it makes you feel loved, cared about but sometimes it makes you feel raped. The more you are getting caught up in understanding the world the less you feel the need to get exposed to that world. And, with that, the void that is in us is getting hungrier by every day and we can only feed her with our drugs. But we are not addicts. We are just sad people. And that makes us interesting.
You run away from us, but you always in some way are coming back to us for more stories, hungry to give us even more advises and just to sit there and listen to us.
I could never really understand the need that happy people have, that need to feel sorry for someone. Maybe deep down you just want to save the front seat for yourselves when we go down, or maybe you need a front seat for a different reason… maybe our void is fulfilling to you. And a shred of kindness that you’re showing to us is just out of plain selfishness. And that my friend would be just great because that would be just pure evil. And in the end that makes us better than you. That is why the sadness will always be superior to happiness.